Ever since I could remember, I’ve had a problematic relationship with food. As much as I loved it, I also hated it because it added to my waist line, and eventually hastened my heart attack.But after the heart surgery all that changed. For once, I had to be completely serious about what I ate. I never ate a lot of red meat, so that was easy. Now I rarely have red meat at home, but when I go out, with family or friends, I can indulge without feeling guilty. It’s such a relief, and a wonderful treat.
Ditto desserts. I seldom allow myself to buy anything which would be defined as a dessert. Oh, once in a while when they’re very cheap -- like after a holiday -- I’ll get a bag of Hershey’s Kisses or M & Ms made with holiday packaging. So when I visit my sisters, I don’t even worry about sending my glucose index through the roof! For a day, who cares?
Somehow, though, I felt something was missing. So like any other man, I turned to porn. My porn turned out to be a little different than most men’s porn.
My porn is the Food Channel.From Bobby Flay’s Throw Down! to Emeril Live to Rachel Ray, I’ll watch ’em all. Of course, I have my favorites...
- Duff Goldman’s Ace of Cakes, a celebration of art and baking. Duff and his staff of artists create unusual and appealing desserts.
- Alton Brown’s Good Eats. Never has education been so sneaky. Between ridiculous props and cornball skits, Alton dishes out (get it, dishes out... never mind) solid lessons in food history, safety and preparation.
- A Cook’s Tour. Anthony Bourdain travels the world looking for the exotic, rustic, and excellent. When he appeared on a local talk show years ago, I called in to ask him how he could taste the food, since he’s a chain smoker. “Salt,” he said.
- Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives. Guy Fieri has the perfect gig. He gets to travel the country in a convertible looking for the kind of restaurants where your bill is small but the portions are large. It’s a wonder he isn’t large, just a little on the plump side.
But my favorite, my Food Channel goddess, is [sigh!] Giada de Laurentiis (above). I’ve had dreams about her; filthy, juicy dreams. Oh, Giada, you have such nimble hands. I love how you rub extra virgin olive oil on your breads. How you lay each strip of lasagna noodle with such care.
Time for a cold shower...
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